great expectations.

So, as it turns out, life is kind of one of those things that doesn't slow down for anything or anyone. Furthermore, MOTHERHOOD is one of those things that doesn't slow down. Ever.

These are truths I'm learning to accept.

Yes, it doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in, what happened at school or work or among my friends or in my life love. Nope. There is always this tiny--well, not so tiny, but forever tiny to me--human who expects what I will pick her up from school, drive her to her activities, provide her food, read her Harry Potter, take her on adventures (such as the ones shown below) and, well, this list goes on. 

Expect. Yes, she expects these things. Why? Because it's what she knows. It's all she knows, really. And I mean, duh. It's just my job, right?

So, my point of this post is to talk about expectations. I mean, come on, we all have them. Whether it be what you expect when you walk into a restaurant. Ya know, what kind of service you'll get, what the food will taste like, what the bill will look like… Or how about when you take a class? You have expectations then, too. You have expectations as to what your professor will offer you, what the course material will be, how you'll study and what grade you'll come out with. 

And then there's this part of your life that, whether you like it or not, is there…

Love.

Yep. That's right. I said whether you like it or not. Because it doesn't matter if you want to be a part of it or not, love will find you. It will, you guys. And even when you've made a vow that you want no part of it, the desire for it is there. Why? Because you're human, that's why. 

So, how does this tie in with expectations? Well, duh. I guess I don't even have to say it, but since you're here on my blog reading my thoughts, we both know I'm going to tell you what I think about love and expectations. 

Here goes:

They are there, those damned expectations. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you think you're getting yourself into. Expectations are there. You cannot get away from them. And I honestly feel weird saying that, as I read an amazing article the other day on Elephant Journal that discussed how love should be about letting the one you are in a union with be free--allowing that person to do what he/she wants and pursuing what makes him/her happy without having so many expectations of that person to the point that you're molding that person into your image of him/her instead of allowing that person to freely be whoever he/she is. 

Make sense? Sure. That seems like the healthiest way to go about things, right? Yes. It is. I agree 110% with that idea, although I have repeatedly made the mistake of unintentionally expecting someone to morph into my idea of the perfect guy. And that's just unfair, right? It really is. Why can't we just learn to love what's there without having any expectations? Because we just innately have expectations. They are a part of us from birth. 

So, is there a solution to this problem of expectations and how some lovers feel that they just shouldn't exist? I don't think so. However, I do think that there is a healthy way to express those expectations and there is a healthy way for your partner to meet those expectations without the whole "change who you are to please me" nonsense. Because that'll never do. 

I guess the only thing that I can tell you is to just love your partner for what is there. Go into a relationship knowing what you deserve and what you'll stand for, but know that you may have to…brace yourselves…wait for it….MAKE SACRIFICES… Yes, sacrifices. You may have to learn to accommodate that schema you've created in your head as to what your perfect partner should be. And visa versa. 

It's a really hard thing to learn how to balance, but I think it could be done. You just have to decide if that person is worth it. 

So, love freely. Don't expect someone to rearrange his/her life goals and/or personality to fit your image of the perfect mate. But try not to beat yourself up when you realize that try as you may, you're human and you will have expectations. 

Oh, and speaking of expectations..

I saw Eisley and Merriment for the..well, I lost count a year ago…time! And as expected, they were amazing. Yes, they were. 

That's all I have for you now.

xo

-chelsea

little things.

I've really been focusing on enjoying the little things in life lately. After all, you usually realize that the little things weren't all that little in the end.
So, I've been filling my days with amazing music (as always), good company and good food. All things good, really.

Spring is almost officially here! This season forces me to think about rebirth and how it IS a thing. No matter how seemingly terrible the tunnel you're traveling, there is light at the end. You just have to find your way out.

So, what helped me find light in a less than perfect situation? First off, this goes without saying, but my little girl. Her outlook on life reminds me that I shouldn't put so much energy into the negative things.

This was taken at the Science Center in St. Louis. We went for a field trip last week with her class. We had such a good time exploring together. It doesn't matter how many times we walk through that place and see the same things over and over. Each time is still as good as the last. Just having an adventure with me makes her day. She's in love with happiness, and it rubs off on me. 

This kid just gets it, ya know? I'm lucky to have such a sweet little creature to figure out this thing we call life with.

What else helps kick the blues? Friends. So many friends. Time with friends. Talks with friends. Adventures with friends. Just having someone there to tell you that you're not completely insane, that your reactions are normal and that your feelings are valid makes life in general easier. I am lucky enough to have friends all over the world who I may never have even met or who I may have only met in person once or twice, but they are still there for me for emotional support and maybe a few laughs. Yes, friends are cool.

This is my dear friend, Alexa. She's pretty much one of the best humans I know. I am thankful for her friendship as well as many others. 

Family is also something to cling to when you're down. I have my differences with lots of people in my family, but we always stick together when it counts the most. They have watched me go through every single awkward phase of my life, and they somehow still see me as beautiful and intelligent. And let's face it, I have made some pretty silly decisions. There's definitely something to be said about that kind of love.

Outside of Ilena, friends and family, I have been doing my best to savor every tiny detail of my (sometimes) seemingly pointless little life. 

Yes, my plants make me happy to be alive. They remind me that I can do some things right. No matter how small they may seem to most everyone else in the world, they are a product of my love and attention. It's pretty amazing how something so small can mean so much to someone. Yes, I love my plants. 

Everything around me feels right lately. Everything seems to be falling into place. I am infinitely grateful. There once was a time in which I never knew I could be okay alone. Okay, maybe I'm not completely alone. I have a little lady who makes me see the glass as half full. I don't care what you tell me. I am one of the richest humans in this world. 

Oh! Music! These are the albums I've been stuck on lately:

You Are My Sunshine-Copeland
Currents-Eisley
Gorilla Manor-Local Natives
Yellow House-Grizzly Bear
Hail to the Thief-Radiohead

I do hope you will enjoy these tunes with me :)

xo-chelsea

hello, me.

Who am I?
Does anyone remember playing that game?
Well, if your childhood memories aren't so retrievable at the moment, allow me to refresh your memory. This is a game in which you describe an animal or a person (in my version, at least) and the person you're playing with has to guess what/who you're thinking of. Remember?
Well, sometimes when I think about that game, I wonder what words people would use to describe me. What physical attributes? What personality traits? Because it's so hard to see ourselves the way that others see us. In fact, I believe it's pretty close to impossible, and that's a word I don't like to use. But really. Let's think about this. What if the entire world sees me as some crazy person because of the way I choose to express my emotions? Do you think I would ever describe myself as crazy? I don't think most people would. But they always say that crazy people do not know they are crazy, says the psychology major. However, there are tell tale signs that I'm not all that insane--the fact that I can keep a job and successfully raise a beautiful young lady and put forth effort in school and maintain healthy friendships--yeah, I'm not so sure about insane.

Wanna know what I think? I think that some people are still so stuck in past that they truly believe that a woman expressing strong emotions over things and situations in which she feels strongly about makes her crazy. Because why would she disagree with a man? Why would she have her own opinions? Why wouldn't she just smile and nod and submit to anything and everything a man says to her? Well, if I've learned anything from women like Sylvia Plath, Maya Angelou, Fiona Apple, Kate Nash, Ani DiFranco and all the other women who have decided to take a stand and say to hell with societal norms, it's that we are in a new age. We are all equals. It is okay for us to express our strong emotions when we have been wronged by men, or even women, in our lives. Having a set of testies DOES NOT make you superior.

Why am I even going on about this? Why is this even happening in this day and age? Call me a feminist, but I'm not sure that I would dislike that. I just want to live in a world where my daughter can unapologetically express her emotions and feel all the feels her little heart desires without being classified as "crazy" or "insane" or "psycho". I've found that such reactions probably exist because people either do not understand or respect the emotions of others or because those emotions reflect less than awesome traits in the people who make a mockery of the expression of strong emotions.

So, my initial reason for writing this post was to discuss how the "who am I?" question may never be answered and how the things that we believe answer that question honestly probably changed more times than we could count. I mean, I know who I am. I am Chelsea. But what does that mean? There's no operational definition for a Chelsea. It's not like looking up "giraffe" in the dictionary. There are so many different things that make up a person, and those things change constantly. Our experiences change us every single day. They mold us into who we become in the end. Whether that's all part of some grand plan, I don't know. Maybe you do. Maybe you have faith in the fact that all of these things happen for a reason--that none of it's in vain. It must be awesome to have that mentality. I've tried, but it's just not a part of me. I'm completely okay with it. I really am.

I was told that I am a completely different Chelsea than the pre-mom life Chelsea. I guess that would make sense, not only because of my child, but because of time passing in general. However, I cannot deny the impact Ilena has had on who I have become. She pretty much slapped me in the face and made me feel alive. She honestly introduced me to myself. I had no idea how much I could FEEL until I met her. She reminded me that there are silver linings in seemingly awful situations. She pretty much changed my entire perspective. By nature, I am rather dramatic. I mean, all of those "keep calm and.." memes all over social network just make me laugh. I AM MEXICAN. WE DO NOT KEEP CALM. But I mean, Ilena did open my eyes and make me realize that some things just aren't that big in the grand scheme of things. Do I still overreact? Sure. I am human. Sometimes I forget to control my emotions, and unfortunately, they end up controlling me. But I learn those mistakes. I guess feeling as though I was never listened to as a child unless things got extremely dramatic had instilled in me the idea that I must ACT OUT in order to get my point across. However, seeing my daughter show the same behavior has changed my idea of that. I do my best to react as positively as I can to a given situation. I am not perfect, but I try.

I just want to be able to feel the way I want to about things without feeling as though I need to filter my emotions in order to satisfy others and/or avoid making others uncomfortable--within reason, of course. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I'm on the mend these days, and I feel pretty good about it. But I'm still Chelsea, and I still like to have a soundtrack for every phase of my life. Here's what I've been listening to lately:

*While you wait for the others-Grizzly Bear
*Black spot-Local Natives
*Transatlanticism-Death Cab for Cutie
*Love ridden-Fiona Apple
*Not so tough found out-Copeland
*How to disappear completely-Radiohead
*Deep space-Eisley
*Silver spring-Stevie Nicks
*Gagging order-Radiohead
*You were so far away-Kate Nash
*I met up with the king-First Aid Kit
*The cliff waltz-Sucre
*Asleep-The Smiths
*Everlasting songs-Rising Fawn
*I woke up near the sea-Lydia
*Heart skipped a beat-The XX
*Champagne year-St. Vincent
*Sunday morning-Merriment
*Torch song-Perma
*Holocene-Bon Iver
*Reckoner-Radiohead
*Laughing city-Eisley

I could go on for days, but there's a glimpse of what the soundtrack of my life is for now.

Thanks for reading.

xo
-chelsea

for the heartbroken.

See? I told you guys that I would be taking a hiatus before we could all blink an eye..

But life gets busy, and so I guess it's okay.

So, what's new? Honestly, the better question is what has remained the same? Not too much. Iley's level of awesome is still pretty up there. Samson is still a fat, lazy kitty. And I guess outside of everything that's happened recently, I'm still Chelsea.

But let me take you back a little. I guess I could just pick up where I left off and give you every single sad and happy detail from the past five months or so. But none of us has time for that. So here's the condensed, less depressing version..

Distance killed a good thing.
Well, how do we ever know what's REALLY good for us? I don't think we do. And if you're like me and your relationship with a higher power is a little more on the "I do my best to make good decisions, so if I'm wrong about things, maybe I'll still be okay" end of the spirituality spectrum, writing things off as a bunch of meant-to-be scenarios that you may never understand in this lifetime just doesn't cut it for you.

So what happened? How do you go from being extremely content and absolutely elated to finding yourself at the very bottom? Hashtag things I'll never know. But! I do know this..
Sometimes love literally renders you blind, deaf and dumb. You just refuse to see the signs that something was pretty much over before it started. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you care about someone and how badly you want it to work. You can't ignore the signs. You can't ignore the circumstances. And you damn sure can't force someone to be ready for a relationship if he/she just isn't.


So, we went our separate ways. Was it that simple? No, it wasn't. There was the whole back and forth "let's drag this out as long as we possibly can because neither of us wants to allow this to end regardless of the fact that we already know it's over" thing. And let's face it, people. We've all done it. But why? Because our hearts won't accept what our heads already know. It's a constant battle, isn't it? I'm not so sure that our hearts will ever completely get along with our heads. And that's just life. All we can do is take what we've been given and pick out the pieces from the wreckage that will allow us to grow as human beings.

What have I learned? Well, outside of the wisdom I've already spit at you, I have learned that if something is so back and forth and unstable, perhaps we shouldn't be looking at it as "there must be a reason we keep coming back" and more like "there's a reason this isn't working". But what do I know? Maybe people do come into our lives for a period of time just to ruffle our feathers a little and make us FEEL, and maybe those same people will return later in life when they are meant to stay. But maybe they won't.

Life is a puzzle, and I'm not so sure that I will ever fully understand it. But then, do any of us?
Love is a maze, and I'm not so sure that I will ever find my way out of it. But then, I guess maybe I don't want to.

<3 Chelsea

distance.

Oh! Hey! Look at the new layout.. Compliments of Alexa.. She's my tech-savvy friend. Check out her blog for all things adorable :) Oh! And make-up. She's a boss when it comes to cosmetology. Okay, okay. End shameless plug for Horizon & Form.

Soo.. Speaking of Alexa.. that reminds me of the subject matter of this post. Distance.
With new technological advances, it's so easy to stay in touch with those you love who aren't exactly within walking distance. People capitalize on that privilege every single day. Some more than others. I am one of those people. Some may say that's rather..sadistic of me to mainly choose to spend my time talking to people who are far away.. I say it's choosing the people who play a huge role in my life wisely.

Let's see. Where do I start? Well, first of all, my dad. He's like a best friend to me, and he lives in Michigan. He has lived there most of my life, so it's just kind of a thing I live with and accept as a norm. Sure, the distance can get in the way when life in general gets in the way. It's easy to let a relationship slip away when there's distance involved. I am guilty of that. Sometimes I've even hurt loved ones because of my lack of effort put into a relationship. That includes my dad. I take full responsibility for being terrible at returning calls, texts and Facebook messages. I like to think that I've worked really hard at turning that around.

Moving right along. Next, there's my grandmother, Mom Becky. I've recently been an absolute turd when it comes to communication with her. And she doesn't even live that far away! We are still in the same state. I could sit here and list off all the excuses that seem to be logical reasons as to why I couldn't/didn't initiate conversation and/or reply to her attempts at communication with me. And for that I'm sorry. With distance in the picture, it's really easy to put important people in your life on the back burner to deal with whatever life crisis is currently at hand. But it's still no excuse. These two relationships mean the world to me. They are actually the two key relationships that I credit for my turning out to be a decent individual. So, in these cases, I allowed distance to become a driving factor in the decay of my relationships with two of the most important people in my life. This is something I have started working on and will continue to work on.

Next, there's what I call my "Eisley family". These are people who I have met and grown to love because we share a love for the band Eisley. I found pretty much all of them on Instagram with the exception of my friend, Kasi, who I've known since probably the beginning of secondary school. The others are spread out across the states and even in Canada. These are relationships that I work really hard to keep alive. These people are so important to me. They are there for me whenever I need a shoulder--even if that shoulder is an entire country or states and states away. We always have something to talk about and advice to lend to one another. It makes my days easier. It makes life a little sweeter. And one day we will all unite and there will be an explosion of bunnies and rainbows and unicorns and cupcakes and Disney and Hillary Calhoun bows and happiness. Yes, one day that will happen. So, there's an example of how distance can be just an absolute piece of cake.

Then, there's Isaac. Oh, boy. The saga of Isaac and Chelsea is just too extremely long and complicated to share here. But! I can give you the short...
I met that kid at a Sucre show, which in my opinion is probably the most epic way for me to meet someone I would end up (after lots and lots and lots of complications and sacrifice) being in a relationship with. Yeah, this Isaac and Chelsea thing is quite the complicated matter.
You see, we live four hours apart. Ouch! Right?! I guess it could be worse. We could be separated by many states, many countries, many rivers etc. But instead we are lucky, and we are only four hours apart. I guess we could be more fortunate and live in the same town. But at the same time, I think we like the distance just about as much as we hate it. It allows for each of us to focus on the essence of what makes us our individual selves. And that's so important to both of us. While the road can definitely be rocky at times, we make it work. Do we ever second guess the entire situation? Sure. But we always arrive at the same conclusion: our love for each other surpasses any amount of distance. And sure, juggling our lives in our separate cities has proven to be tiresome at times. However, it's worth it. He's worth every mile.
So there you have it. An instance in which distance is both extremely hard and extremely easy.

Distance. It's a big theme in my life. It certainly makes me appreciate those people so much more. I think I really like the struggle of keeping things alive.. whether it be plants, baby kitties (which by the way, we have two kittens now) or relationships. I think I was born to live with distance being a prominent thing in my life, and I've come to accept and embrace that fact.

Friends, meet Fiona Apple. 

Oh! I took the ole tripod out the other day. Here's an outfit. Yay for Autumn and falling leaves and cardigans!

Polka dot cardigan: gifted

Bob Dylan shirt: Target

Black skinnies: American Eagle (so many seasons ago)

Marilyn Monroe and JFK shoes: painted by a friend in high school.. they have so many miles on them! Even Samson thinks they are kind of strange.. 

Thanks for reading!

xo   -chelsea

Birthday parties and downtown hangs

Well, I'm posting two days in a row. Let's see how long this will last, because I know myself. Life gets in the way, and it is likely that I will forget about this blog for long periods of time. Consider yourself warned.

Two weeks ago I got the privilege of photographing one of my oldest friend's daughter's fourth birthday party. Sometimes my camera makes me a couple dollars, and that's nice. The party was fun. I love seeing a kid's face light up with each guest who arrives. Sure, presents are fun, but that's not what it's all about. Don't get me wrong, she loved opening presents and blowing out the candles on her cake, but having loved ones there was enough for a while.

Here is the birthday girl, Kailee-Ann, and her beautiful mommy, Candice. I feel so fortunate to have this family in my life. 

Little cousin, Link, was just too cute to NOT take pictures of. One of the most well behaved little ones I've met. 

Little sis, Zoe-Jane, was being a major ham!

Link's mommy made it, and he was so excited to see her. 

I've known these ladies since I can remember. They've always treated me like family, and as you can see, they are an absolute pleasure to be around. 

Kaden and his mommy, Amber, are just adorable in this picture. I love capturing those moments of happiness that aren't exactly planned for pictures. 

So, after I finished my "job" (to me, it's too fun to be called a "job"), Kaden decided he needed to practice his photography skills. Candice, Amber and I were forced in front of the camera. 

How dreadful :)

Sister sandwich!

Aaaand... this would be my default pose..

________________________________________________________________________________

In other news..

This morning after dropping Iley off, I decided to get my camera out and walk around downtown for a bit. I have always had this insatiable wanderlust, but in more recent years, I've learned that I should enjoy the world around me. I'm in no position to move away at this point in my life, so why not make the most of the environment I have? I've actually come to love this place that I couldn't wait to get away from. 

It's not so bad. I actually miss it when I'm away. I went to visit my man friend in western Kentucky for a week last month, and I found myself searching for a body of water. I guess I'm so spoiled living right on the Mississippi river that I automatically assume that everyone has such beautiful scenery. We really do have a lot of cool antique shops and just downtown area in general, as well.  It isn't until I got to other places that I realize it could be worse. 

The midwest has never been my first choice, but I think I'm finally embracing where I am. I think all parts of the world have so much beauty, but sometimes our preconceived notions prevent us from basking in that beauty. I've learned that only I am responsible for how the world around me appears. It's all about perception, and I choose to perceive all places as beautiful. Even if it's only the graffiti in a city that stands out...in my opinion, that's beauty. Yeah. Beauty. This world is full of it. Open your eyes. 

Today's playlist is Lana Del Rey and Buke and Gass. Yes. Today is a beautiful day. 

-Chelsea

Here we go...

Well, here we go. 

I've been meaning to do this for such a long time. My mind races all day long with rants and random thoughts about this and that. That's pretty specific, eh? 

So, what can I tell you that you don't already know about me? Well, I guess that depends on who you are. Maybe you've known me my entire life. Maybe just a year. Maybe just a day. Maybe you don't even know me personally. I guess I'll go with that. We will assume that you know nothing. Now the question has become 'what do you need to know?' Well..

I guess I could start by telling you about a day in the life of Chelsea Bere'. But then I guess that depends on what day of the week we are talking about. Most days start with my alarm singing me lovely tunes--right now it's Currents by Eisley. Oh, Stacy King, I will wake up for your beautiful voice any day..

Let's see, where were we? Oh! Yes. Good morning.. Well, to be honest, what comes next isn't always pleasant. I have to wake sleeping beauty to get her ready for kindergarten. That's often a task. It usually goes something like this:
"I don't want to go to school!"
or
"I need more sleep than that!"
or
"Is it the weekend, yet?"
or
"Nooooooooooo.."
and rarely
"Good morning, momma! Can I snuggle you for a little bit before we put my uniform on?"
..but that one is so rare that I'm not even sure why I shared it.. 

After that, it's uniform time. This is all new to me. And Iley. She isn't exactly a fan of being so limited on her wardrobe options in the mornings. I invested in some super wacky socks and belts in consideration of her... well.. eclectic taste in clothing. That helps a little, I guess. 

So, now that we have Princess Peach dressed, it's time for breakfast. This usually involves a lot of prompting to take bites and quit staring into space or petting the kitties. Then, it's time to brush teeth, grab the backpack, lunchbox, water bottle and violin--because orchestra starts in kindergarten these days.. Child prodigy anyone? <--hey, I made a funny, because her school has "prodigy" in its name. Coincidence? I think not. 

From here, I take her to school and give her about hundred kisses--because she will do anything to keep me around as long as she can--and who am I to argue with kisses?

So now peaches is at school, and it's time for me to do all the things that I find hard to do when she's home. I may pick up a book or turn some music on. I read my psychology journals in search of articles that might contribute to the dreaded introduction portion of my current research project. Oh! And we cannot forget kitty snuggles. I spend a chunk of my day doing that, and I have zero regrets about it.

Coffee is also a huge part of my daily life. I used to be a coffee snob, but being a poor college student and parent sometimes slaps you in the face and tells you to wake the eff up and look at your bank account. So, home brewing it is. 

I guess another thing about my daily routine that I have yet to shared is spinach. I love spinach. And pretty much all fruits and vegetables. Because when you're a vegetarian, you have to like those things or you could very possibly form a vitamin deficiency. And ain't no body got time for that! 

So, the rest of my day is made up of picking Iley up, taking her to dance or gymnastics, cooking nutritious and delicious dinners, discussing what she's learning in school, practicing violin and reading a bedtime story. Right now we are working on Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone. We both enjoy fantasy worlds. Hey, I'm still eagerly awaiting the arrival of my acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Never giving up that dream.. or becoming a mermaid. That's going to happen. I have faith. 

I guess that'll be enough of my ramblings. Stay tuned for my rants, random thoughts and insight on my many areas of expertise. Because making spinach and hummus sandwiches counts as an area of expertise, right?

Thanks for reading.

Chelsea