hello, me.

Who am I?
Does anyone remember playing that game?
Well, if your childhood memories aren't so retrievable at the moment, allow me to refresh your memory. This is a game in which you describe an animal or a person (in my version, at least) and the person you're playing with has to guess what/who you're thinking of. Remember?
Well, sometimes when I think about that game, I wonder what words people would use to describe me. What physical attributes? What personality traits? Because it's so hard to see ourselves the way that others see us. In fact, I believe it's pretty close to impossible, and that's a word I don't like to use. But really. Let's think about this. What if the entire world sees me as some crazy person because of the way I choose to express my emotions? Do you think I would ever describe myself as crazy? I don't think most people would. But they always say that crazy people do not know they are crazy, says the psychology major. However, there are tell tale signs that I'm not all that insane--the fact that I can keep a job and successfully raise a beautiful young lady and put forth effort in school and maintain healthy friendships--yeah, I'm not so sure about insane.

Wanna know what I think? I think that some people are still so stuck in past that they truly believe that a woman expressing strong emotions over things and situations in which she feels strongly about makes her crazy. Because why would she disagree with a man? Why would she have her own opinions? Why wouldn't she just smile and nod and submit to anything and everything a man says to her? Well, if I've learned anything from women like Sylvia Plath, Maya Angelou, Fiona Apple, Kate Nash, Ani DiFranco and all the other women who have decided to take a stand and say to hell with societal norms, it's that we are in a new age. We are all equals. It is okay for us to express our strong emotions when we have been wronged by men, or even women, in our lives. Having a set of testies DOES NOT make you superior.

Why am I even going on about this? Why is this even happening in this day and age? Call me a feminist, but I'm not sure that I would dislike that. I just want to live in a world where my daughter can unapologetically express her emotions and feel all the feels her little heart desires without being classified as "crazy" or "insane" or "psycho". I've found that such reactions probably exist because people either do not understand or respect the emotions of others or because those emotions reflect less than awesome traits in the people who make a mockery of the expression of strong emotions.

So, my initial reason for writing this post was to discuss how the "who am I?" question may never be answered and how the things that we believe answer that question honestly probably changed more times than we could count. I mean, I know who I am. I am Chelsea. But what does that mean? There's no operational definition for a Chelsea. It's not like looking up "giraffe" in the dictionary. There are so many different things that make up a person, and those things change constantly. Our experiences change us every single day. They mold us into who we become in the end. Whether that's all part of some grand plan, I don't know. Maybe you do. Maybe you have faith in the fact that all of these things happen for a reason--that none of it's in vain. It must be awesome to have that mentality. I've tried, but it's just not a part of me. I'm completely okay with it. I really am.

I was told that I am a completely different Chelsea than the pre-mom life Chelsea. I guess that would make sense, not only because of my child, but because of time passing in general. However, I cannot deny the impact Ilena has had on who I have become. She pretty much slapped me in the face and made me feel alive. She honestly introduced me to myself. I had no idea how much I could FEEL until I met her. She reminded me that there are silver linings in seemingly awful situations. She pretty much changed my entire perspective. By nature, I am rather dramatic. I mean, all of those "keep calm and.." memes all over social network just make me laugh. I AM MEXICAN. WE DO NOT KEEP CALM. But I mean, Ilena did open my eyes and make me realize that some things just aren't that big in the grand scheme of things. Do I still overreact? Sure. I am human. Sometimes I forget to control my emotions, and unfortunately, they end up controlling me. But I learn those mistakes. I guess feeling as though I was never listened to as a child unless things got extremely dramatic had instilled in me the idea that I must ACT OUT in order to get my point across. However, seeing my daughter show the same behavior has changed my idea of that. I do my best to react as positively as I can to a given situation. I am not perfect, but I try.

I just want to be able to feel the way I want to about things without feeling as though I need to filter my emotions in order to satisfy others and/or avoid making others uncomfortable--within reason, of course. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I'm on the mend these days, and I feel pretty good about it. But I'm still Chelsea, and I still like to have a soundtrack for every phase of my life. Here's what I've been listening to lately:

*While you wait for the others-Grizzly Bear
*Black spot-Local Natives
*Transatlanticism-Death Cab for Cutie
*Love ridden-Fiona Apple
*Not so tough found out-Copeland
*How to disappear completely-Radiohead
*Deep space-Eisley
*Silver spring-Stevie Nicks
*Gagging order-Radiohead
*You were so far away-Kate Nash
*I met up with the king-First Aid Kit
*The cliff waltz-Sucre
*Asleep-The Smiths
*Everlasting songs-Rising Fawn
*I woke up near the sea-Lydia
*Heart skipped a beat-The XX
*Champagne year-St. Vincent
*Sunday morning-Merriment
*Torch song-Perma
*Holocene-Bon Iver
*Reckoner-Radiohead
*Laughing city-Eisley

I could go on for days, but there's a glimpse of what the soundtrack of my life is for now.

Thanks for reading.

xo
-chelsea