little things.

I've really been focusing on enjoying the little things in life lately. After all, you usually realize that the little things weren't all that little in the end.
So, I've been filling my days with amazing music (as always), good company and good food. All things good, really.

Spring is almost officially here! This season forces me to think about rebirth and how it IS a thing. No matter how seemingly terrible the tunnel you're traveling, there is light at the end. You just have to find your way out.

So, what helped me find light in a less than perfect situation? First off, this goes without saying, but my little girl. Her outlook on life reminds me that I shouldn't put so much energy into the negative things.

This was taken at the Science Center in St. Louis. We went for a field trip last week with her class. We had such a good time exploring together. It doesn't matter how many times we walk through that place and see the same things over and over. Each time is still as good as the last. Just having an adventure with me makes her day. She's in love with happiness, and it rubs off on me. 

This kid just gets it, ya know? I'm lucky to have such a sweet little creature to figure out this thing we call life with.

What else helps kick the blues? Friends. So many friends. Time with friends. Talks with friends. Adventures with friends. Just having someone there to tell you that you're not completely insane, that your reactions are normal and that your feelings are valid makes life in general easier. I am lucky enough to have friends all over the world who I may never have even met or who I may have only met in person once or twice, but they are still there for me for emotional support and maybe a few laughs. Yes, friends are cool.

This is my dear friend, Alexa. She's pretty much one of the best humans I know. I am thankful for her friendship as well as many others. 

Family is also something to cling to when you're down. I have my differences with lots of people in my family, but we always stick together when it counts the most. They have watched me go through every single awkward phase of my life, and they somehow still see me as beautiful and intelligent. And let's face it, I have made some pretty silly decisions. There's definitely something to be said about that kind of love.

Outside of Ilena, friends and family, I have been doing my best to savor every tiny detail of my (sometimes) seemingly pointless little life. 

Yes, my plants make me happy to be alive. They remind me that I can do some things right. No matter how small they may seem to most everyone else in the world, they are a product of my love and attention. It's pretty amazing how something so small can mean so much to someone. Yes, I love my plants. 

Everything around me feels right lately. Everything seems to be falling into place. I am infinitely grateful. There once was a time in which I never knew I could be okay alone. Okay, maybe I'm not completely alone. I have a little lady who makes me see the glass as half full. I don't care what you tell me. I am one of the richest humans in this world. 

Oh! Music! These are the albums I've been stuck on lately:

You Are My Sunshine-Copeland
Currents-Eisley
Gorilla Manor-Local Natives
Yellow House-Grizzly Bear
Hail to the Thief-Radiohead

I do hope you will enjoy these tunes with me :)

xo-chelsea

hello, me.

Who am I?
Does anyone remember playing that game?
Well, if your childhood memories aren't so retrievable at the moment, allow me to refresh your memory. This is a game in which you describe an animal or a person (in my version, at least) and the person you're playing with has to guess what/who you're thinking of. Remember?
Well, sometimes when I think about that game, I wonder what words people would use to describe me. What physical attributes? What personality traits? Because it's so hard to see ourselves the way that others see us. In fact, I believe it's pretty close to impossible, and that's a word I don't like to use. But really. Let's think about this. What if the entire world sees me as some crazy person because of the way I choose to express my emotions? Do you think I would ever describe myself as crazy? I don't think most people would. But they always say that crazy people do not know they are crazy, says the psychology major. However, there are tell tale signs that I'm not all that insane--the fact that I can keep a job and successfully raise a beautiful young lady and put forth effort in school and maintain healthy friendships--yeah, I'm not so sure about insane.

Wanna know what I think? I think that some people are still so stuck in past that they truly believe that a woman expressing strong emotions over things and situations in which she feels strongly about makes her crazy. Because why would she disagree with a man? Why would she have her own opinions? Why wouldn't she just smile and nod and submit to anything and everything a man says to her? Well, if I've learned anything from women like Sylvia Plath, Maya Angelou, Fiona Apple, Kate Nash, Ani DiFranco and all the other women who have decided to take a stand and say to hell with societal norms, it's that we are in a new age. We are all equals. It is okay for us to express our strong emotions when we have been wronged by men, or even women, in our lives. Having a set of testies DOES NOT make you superior.

Why am I even going on about this? Why is this even happening in this day and age? Call me a feminist, but I'm not sure that I would dislike that. I just want to live in a world where my daughter can unapologetically express her emotions and feel all the feels her little heart desires without being classified as "crazy" or "insane" or "psycho". I've found that such reactions probably exist because people either do not understand or respect the emotions of others or because those emotions reflect less than awesome traits in the people who make a mockery of the expression of strong emotions.

So, my initial reason for writing this post was to discuss how the "who am I?" question may never be answered and how the things that we believe answer that question honestly probably changed more times than we could count. I mean, I know who I am. I am Chelsea. But what does that mean? There's no operational definition for a Chelsea. It's not like looking up "giraffe" in the dictionary. There are so many different things that make up a person, and those things change constantly. Our experiences change us every single day. They mold us into who we become in the end. Whether that's all part of some grand plan, I don't know. Maybe you do. Maybe you have faith in the fact that all of these things happen for a reason--that none of it's in vain. It must be awesome to have that mentality. I've tried, but it's just not a part of me. I'm completely okay with it. I really am.

I was told that I am a completely different Chelsea than the pre-mom life Chelsea. I guess that would make sense, not only because of my child, but because of time passing in general. However, I cannot deny the impact Ilena has had on who I have become. She pretty much slapped me in the face and made me feel alive. She honestly introduced me to myself. I had no idea how much I could FEEL until I met her. She reminded me that there are silver linings in seemingly awful situations. She pretty much changed my entire perspective. By nature, I am rather dramatic. I mean, all of those "keep calm and.." memes all over social network just make me laugh. I AM MEXICAN. WE DO NOT KEEP CALM. But I mean, Ilena did open my eyes and make me realize that some things just aren't that big in the grand scheme of things. Do I still overreact? Sure. I am human. Sometimes I forget to control my emotions, and unfortunately, they end up controlling me. But I learn those mistakes. I guess feeling as though I was never listened to as a child unless things got extremely dramatic had instilled in me the idea that I must ACT OUT in order to get my point across. However, seeing my daughter show the same behavior has changed my idea of that. I do my best to react as positively as I can to a given situation. I am not perfect, but I try.

I just want to be able to feel the way I want to about things without feeling as though I need to filter my emotions in order to satisfy others and/or avoid making others uncomfortable--within reason, of course. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I'm on the mend these days, and I feel pretty good about it. But I'm still Chelsea, and I still like to have a soundtrack for every phase of my life. Here's what I've been listening to lately:

*While you wait for the others-Grizzly Bear
*Black spot-Local Natives
*Transatlanticism-Death Cab for Cutie
*Love ridden-Fiona Apple
*Not so tough found out-Copeland
*How to disappear completely-Radiohead
*Deep space-Eisley
*Silver spring-Stevie Nicks
*Gagging order-Radiohead
*You were so far away-Kate Nash
*I met up with the king-First Aid Kit
*The cliff waltz-Sucre
*Asleep-The Smiths
*Everlasting songs-Rising Fawn
*I woke up near the sea-Lydia
*Heart skipped a beat-The XX
*Champagne year-St. Vincent
*Sunday morning-Merriment
*Torch song-Perma
*Holocene-Bon Iver
*Reckoner-Radiohead
*Laughing city-Eisley

I could go on for days, but there's a glimpse of what the soundtrack of my life is for now.

Thanks for reading.

xo
-chelsea

for the heartbroken.

See? I told you guys that I would be taking a hiatus before we could all blink an eye..

But life gets busy, and so I guess it's okay.

So, what's new? Honestly, the better question is what has remained the same? Not too much. Iley's level of awesome is still pretty up there. Samson is still a fat, lazy kitty. And I guess outside of everything that's happened recently, I'm still Chelsea.

But let me take you back a little. I guess I could just pick up where I left off and give you every single sad and happy detail from the past five months or so. But none of us has time for that. So here's the condensed, less depressing version..

Distance killed a good thing.
Well, how do we ever know what's REALLY good for us? I don't think we do. And if you're like me and your relationship with a higher power is a little more on the "I do my best to make good decisions, so if I'm wrong about things, maybe I'll still be okay" end of the spirituality spectrum, writing things off as a bunch of meant-to-be scenarios that you may never understand in this lifetime just doesn't cut it for you.

So what happened? How do you go from being extremely content and absolutely elated to finding yourself at the very bottom? Hashtag things I'll never know. But! I do know this..
Sometimes love literally renders you blind, deaf and dumb. You just refuse to see the signs that something was pretty much over before it started. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you care about someone and how badly you want it to work. You can't ignore the signs. You can't ignore the circumstances. And you damn sure can't force someone to be ready for a relationship if he/she just isn't.


So, we went our separate ways. Was it that simple? No, it wasn't. There was the whole back and forth "let's drag this out as long as we possibly can because neither of us wants to allow this to end regardless of the fact that we already know it's over" thing. And let's face it, people. We've all done it. But why? Because our hearts won't accept what our heads already know. It's a constant battle, isn't it? I'm not so sure that our hearts will ever completely get along with our heads. And that's just life. All we can do is take what we've been given and pick out the pieces from the wreckage that will allow us to grow as human beings.

What have I learned? Well, outside of the wisdom I've already spit at you, I have learned that if something is so back and forth and unstable, perhaps we shouldn't be looking at it as "there must be a reason we keep coming back" and more like "there's a reason this isn't working". But what do I know? Maybe people do come into our lives for a period of time just to ruffle our feathers a little and make us FEEL, and maybe those same people will return later in life when they are meant to stay. But maybe they won't.

Life is a puzzle, and I'm not so sure that I will ever fully understand it. But then, do any of us?
Love is a maze, and I'm not so sure that I will ever find my way out of it. But then, I guess maybe I don't want to.

<3 Chelsea